Writing

Beeeeeeeeeeeeep.
The treadmill goes off, snapping me out of the zone I get into when I eat too little and exercise too much, and indicating that I have reached my goal of 300 calories. Dizzied, I step off and sit down to take off my runners before cautiously walking to the drinks fridge and grabbing a cold Diet Coke and then heading upstairs to go to my bedroom. In order to get there, though, I need to pass through the kitchen, or the danger zone. There’s a bowl of Reese’s Pieces on the counter, bananas in the fruit holder, buns on the counter next to the stove and a fridge full of fatty foods, all of which are calling me over. But I can’t, so I just keep walking and get to my room safely, and flop down on the bed, pushing myself up just enough that I can sip my coke and open my laptop. I open myfitnesspal.com which is the greatest thing to exist in my life, and add in the totals for my day so far.

Breakfast; Coffee, black: Calories = 0
Lunch; Generic Side Salad, 1 bowl: Calories = 32. Egg whites, hardboiled (2): Calories = 36          
Snack; Diet coke, 1 can: Calories = 0

Exercise is next, and I put in 45 minutes of running at 3.5 mph = 300 calories.
That makes my net -264. I can still make this a negative calorie day, as long as I play the right part before dinner. A stomach ache maybe? Or perhaps I had a huge snack when I got home from school. Whatever. It’s not like my family really cares if I eat or not anyway.

I close the laptop, and go back into the danger zone to put my empty can in the recycling, then to the bathroom to shower. Close and lock the door and strip out of my sweaty size medium t-shirt and shorts, throwing them on the ground, and turn the water all the way to Hot. The thermostat is set to 75, until Mom gets home, when she will undoubtedly yell at me for turning it up so high, and then turn it down to an Antarctic 68, but I’m shivering anyway and the only time I can warm up is in the shower, so I take advantage of it. I step into the water and cringe. It feels as though the water is burning apart my flesh and engulfing me completely in flames. But no, that isn’t what is happening, because it is water and not fire. I am losing my mind.

I spend most of the time in the shower not actually cleansing myself, but spinning in circles to keep the heat (burning hot fire water) distributing evenly. Once I have managed to clean myself in the necessary ways to not be (more) repulsive, and the hot water is nearly gone, I turn off the tap and step out into the seemingly freezing air of the bathroom where I quickly dry off and then examine myself in the mirror.

There isn’t one body part that I can stand on myself. My stomach is huge, my hips extend to the ends of the earth, and my waist has way too much excess flab. My boobs are too big due to too much fat stored in them. My thighs are massive and barely have a gap, and my arms are flabby and jiggle. That’s not all, though. My toes are awkward sizes, and my calves are way too big. My knees are horrible, but then again, I hate knees, so I’ll leave it at that. My wrists are too wide, my hands are too long and my fingers are crooked, and hairy. Yeah, my fingers are hairy. Gross right? My neck is weird and wrinkled and I have a double chin, and my face is fat and just ugly in general. My lips are too big and too bright, the hair on my upper lip is too noticeable, my nose too rounded, the skin around my eyes is puffy and discoloured and my eyebrows are bushy. My ears curve upwards, which makes wearing dangling earrings the most awkward thing ever, and my hair is too short and shitty and wavy. Like I said, there isn’t one thing I like about my body.

So I stand in front of the mirror for a while, pulling at my fat, and trying to see how I will look when I’m finally skinny and beautiful. But I can’t, so I wrap myself in the towel, and run to my room to put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt and climb in bed under my heated blanket and watch pointless TV.
As the characters in the shows continue to talk about their current life problems, my eyes start to get heavy, and as sleep comes, I don’t try to fight it, and it carries me away and I’m relaxed and calm and not thinking and asleep.